Hooking up a guitar to the Mac

With Garageband in iLive you get a sophisticated recording and sound manipulation device in your hands. I've been playing classic guitar during my youth, and since I have my Mac and seeing some guy giving a demo with an electric guitar hooked up to a Mac at the store, I wanted to pick up my old hobby for playing myself. So finally I got me this fine piece with warm sound. But then came the question how to hook it up? I saw in the shop then, that somekind of nifty little cable was attached that transformed the mono signal into a 1/4 plug stereo. And of course that was nowhere to be found or it had to be ordered, and I can't wait for orders, I hate that. So I went to the electronics shop, bought me shielded wire and plugs and soldered the bunch together. Excited if my little experiment would work I fired up Garageband and to my suprise an overhelming crisp sound was filling my study. The Mac just did the rest, no amplifier, no nothing. Just staight into the Mac. In Garageband you only need to choose a guitar style: clean Liverpool, 60's structure or what to think of the scorching solo, it's all there. I am not a sound engineer, but I hardly can tell the difference from a tube amplified sound.

Here a small example of the sound, playing the first part of the national hymne of Holland:

The power of miniature worlds

When I was about 7, I liked to walk thru the pages of "Revell"  a famous German brand in toys that made products for miniature worlds for train lovers. Besides that they had all the material to create your own downsized copy of reality. I remember how I loved these pictures coz they seemed to reflect a sort of utopia to me. Especially the post war architecture of Germany was somehow attractive to me. Still this architecture can be found traveling around in Germany.

To reflect this old memory I created two pictures of miniature words myself. The fun thing though that this is all software based and are actually real worlds that I manipulated with the tilt-shift technology. Normally this is done by using a special device to tilt-shift the lens, in this case I found a neat trick within photoshop to create the same feeling. I hope you were fooled by the first look at these pictures.....

Migrating my website

Today I finalized a long prosponed matter, of migrating my website to another hosting company. For years now I've been paying way to much money to the stupid provider that gives me acces to the net. The problem in Belgium is that there are only 2 major players in the market for internet acces. Belgacom, the former state owned telecom company, and Telenet, a private company. Because of this situation there is no competition whatsoever and the prices are sky high for accessing the net. As much this counts also for hosting fees. To give you an example, I payed about 240 euro's a year for maintaining my website with a ridiculous 160 mb size. I moved to one.com, they offer me 2000 mb for 49,50 including the fee for moving my DNS address. 

You wonder why I didn't move before? Because since a few months the .be extension is available in Belgium and also did one.com not operate in Belgium before. 

Anyway, another problem occured moving my files. Before I used to work with my Windows XP pro PC, and I created my files in Flash and HTML with Adobe CS2/CS3. So far so good, untill I discovered today the problems with installed fonts. Of course I should have known this but I never had a thought that one day soon I would start working on a Mac. The difference is the kind of fonts that are OS wise distributed. For instance I used Vrinda as my main font for my website, but it turns out that this is a Service Pack 2 deployed font. So no way this font is available for the Mac unless I have to pay an additional fee for it. It wouldn't be such a problem if the complete layout get's screwed with bigger replacements. This is probably a glitch as well in the Adobe software. I have no clue why suddenly the fonts become bigger, for example from 11 dots to 20 dots. 

Anyway, a tip for y'all out there. If you design something, either break down the font to a graphic or choose the ordinairy known fonts used across the web.

Nostalgia new

Here is an example of running a C64 emulator on my mac. It's funny to see how big the difference is in size. The original resolution of the C64 was 320x200 in screensize and mostly TV-sets were used for hooking up the Commodore. You can image how large and rough the graphics were. But nobody bothered, because nobody new better. Today with screensizes like on my mac of 1920x1200 it seems so primitive. It's possible to run many of the old programs, demos and Arcade games on these emulators. Though some won't really run on the mac others do on my Windows PC. The second screen is a demo running in the C64 of a 3D glass. Boy these things were so exciting in those days.....

Nostalgia

In 1981 CBM (Commodore Business machines) introduced the Commodore 64. It was an exciting time because for the first time computers were brought home for "reasonable" prices. They were even very competitive to the professional IBM computers, and even brought more additional features like a synthesizer chip and for that time amazing color graphics. I remember how I got all my money together to buy this miracle of modern technology.

I went on my bicycle to the nearest shop (30 km) and became the proud owner of a Commodore 64. It's even funny to think of the fact that there was no internet, and that for anything you needed on software or any other kind of peripheral that was needed I had to travel distances.

Most programms were sold on ROM cartridges, cassette tapes and later on 5.24" floppies, the other possibility was to programm yourself in Basic or to type over listings in magazines. After a few years I was getting into the army as a pro, and I needed to have something that was portable. I remember that the SX-64 was released in 1984 and it consisted of a 5" color screen and a built in 5,25" drive (named 1541). Portable was hardly a name for it, you could better call it luggable. In the beginning the price was sky high, I remember a mere 3999 guilders. It was this price that made it not much of a succes. But I was still very impressed.

Hardly to believe these days that those dinosaures of the computer age could stir so much excitement compared to for exampel the Macbook Air. In 1985 prices went suddenly really down and it was available for 1699 guilders, that would be about half in euro's, about 800 euro's. Anyway I went to Rotterdam by train (overcome another distance of 100 km to get to the long wanted gadget). And by the time I returned home I was the proud owner of the SX-64. To give you an idea I added some pictures. Next time I am going to write a bit on some amazing programms that were released and were the messengers of things that would change the computer use forever. 

The technical sheet: (batteries not included, it only worked on AC power)

Commodore SX-64 "Executive"

Introduced: January 1983 Released: January 1984 Weight: 23 pounds Price: US $995. CPU: MOS 6510, 1MHz Audio: 3 channels RAM: 64K Display: built-in 5" color screen 40 X 25 text 320 X 200, 16 colors max Storage: internal 170K floppy drive external floppy drive Ports: S-video, composite video 2 joysticks, cartridge port serial and 'user' ports OS: Commodore BASIC in ROM

The Big Mac Mini

Today I found an interesting offer of an Acer 24" screen. Because the Mac Mini has a digital (dvi) screen resolutions of 1920 x 1200 this seemed to be a suitable match. So when I came home I was anxious to hook up my new purchased screen. 

Absolutely flawless. I was even expecting not the best image and colors for that price. But I have to admit I am really impressed. Before I used a 20" screen from BenQ with a resolution of 1240 x 1024 pixels. Not bad, but I always had the feeling that I was crammed in small spot while working with Adobe PS or Premiere. Now it feels like a big new desk came in and I can easily arrange the tools around and still have space even for a chat window with Kate. 

Furthermore, what to tell about my last month experiences with the Mac Mini? I've been running my windows PC next to it, and I discover that I am much more attracted to the flawless working little Apple. The only concern is the disk space. I have about 28 gig of space left. And I start to be concerned that it will get filled to the roof. I have 3 Lacies hanging on it so I have to figure out how to hook up all the files into one of the external drives and still have them working in the apps. It's isn't a big deal, but the thing of organizing files and keeping track of them is not my strongest quality. 

Anyway, so far I am totally impressed by this big Mac Mini. With the new screen you would wonder what big PC is behind it because the Mac looks just like a little peripheral device. I pushed the little Mac really to it's limit with Adobe Premiere, Reason, Photoshop, Illustrator, flash etc. Multitasking seems no problem at all. No hick ups no crashes nothing of the kind. Of course the speed when calculating a picture or rendering a movie is another story, for that I would need actually a Mac Pro. But then again, I won't complain for this money. When it's busy I just turn to my PC to do some other stuff. Talking about PC's, my friend Wim came over with his new purchased HP laptop. A real state of the art device. Running Vista. And of course I won't deny that Vista looks really sleek and beautiful. I know it's all make up but the inferface is really gorgeous. Though I feel really lost when I want to search for programs and files. It seems quite complicated compared to XP and Apple. Anyway, we wanted to transfer some video files to my external drive. It was almost impossible the time that it took. Next to that there is this really annoying flaw that in FAT32 you can't copy files larger then 4 gb. So I had to cut up the movie with Quicktime. And yes I've been a bad boy I cracked it to the pro version so I was able to work on it. But boy it took a while for this super machine with Vista to do this. The movie was 5,32 gb and I divided it in 2 files making it possible to copy to my external drive and then attach it into another video with Premiere. It took us 2,5 hours before we were finally ready to hook up the drive back to my apple. The more I work with Mac, Vista and XP, the more I am sure that there is no return or at least no life without a Mac..... 

p.s. what is so super cool is that I use my Sony Video cam as webcam. With all the features of course of this Sony, including the wide angle lens. Chatting was never so much fun before!

What I want

FTW, make dark explosive art. Sentimental photographs of things we loose and forget. Travel. Collect all kinds of music. Have an extraordinary life, regret nothing. Have one and only love that sticks to me forever and also supports me when I am an ass. Work no more, because it is totally pointless as a goal in life. Fuck religion, because it distracts us from our own possibilities, our responsibilities, kills people for no reason, makes people think they are invincible, is a tool for politicians to fuck with our brains. Say what I think, and feel. Write what I think and feel. Observe. Tell stories with pictures. I lie to protect my principles to those who deserve it and want to hear it. I am honest to the ones I love. Seek the boundaries of my own limits and cross them. Stay open for differences and learn from them. Gather knowledge and use it for my passion for art. Seek souls with the same mind but not likewise opinions. Create in any possible way, to express what I need to let out.

Hanneke in videoclip

The office of the 90's

And here is a video that I picked from the Adobe site. It is showing the way we used to work in the offices during the 90's. It's almost incredible that we did it this way. Take a look at this video and be surprised on how fast we evolved. (this was even when we already had computers, imagine the time before).

The beauty of Flash

How flash can be used in media; short films and trailers.

Really worth watching!

I am hooked part 2

For a week I am working now with my new Mac Mini from Apple. Parallel to the Mac I use still my windows PC. The reason is that I still have some Windows based programs for working in 3D, and some other stuff. Some things came to my attention, some real significant differences in performance and ease of use.

I work with PC's since 1993 and I can describe myself as a heavy user. I know all the little tweaks and backdoors to make Windows run smoothly. I worked with Win 3.1, 95, 98, Windows ME, XP Home and XP Pro. So I am pretty much familiar with the stuff. But you see there starts the problem. Working with Windows is actually asking the user to know the tweaks and backdoors to make things work.

 

Anyway, my last install of XP Pro, I did a near 5 months ago. I run also Panda protection for firewall and virus scan. It also deals with all the other things like pop-ups etc. It never worked smoothly. I always had some firewall problem, or loosing connection to the net. It also slows down the use of browsers and mail. And believe me, Panda deals even better with it then Norton. Norton steals a lot of your computers resources. Anyway, some things came to my attention and here they are.

1. Startup time of the Mac is a fraction of the time the Windows machine needs. 25 seconds is about it, while the PC needs about 4 minutes. 

2. While working on the PC I get all kinds of annoying messages, about latest updates and ready to install, firewall down, thread because the virus program crashed and needs a restart, about secure pages that are to be opened and I have to confirm. With the Mac I had nothing like this at all. I did one check on updates myself and they were fast installed in the background. Any new program I install has to be confirmed with a password. Something I really like because it gives me total control. 

3. Problems: The windows machine crashes regularly, something that is going on for a year now and reinstalling Windows didn't solve the problem. Sometimes when I close the PC he will even startup again. The error I get is vague and even Microsoft can't give a satisfying reason for the problem. Furthermore my PC can go get busy with some disk activity while I run no programs, using a lot of resources. It's hard to figure out what he is doing and why. None of these problems so far with the Mac, no crashes no bad things. Though it's a new machine and a clean sheet, the problems described with the PC also occurred also after a clean install.

4. Networking. I tried before with the Windows PC to share disks and folders with a laptop that was hooked up thru a network hub. Sometimes it would work but mostly it didn't. There was no solutions to make it work consequently. Because I have many files on the Windows PC I thought I give it a try to share the disks with the Mac. But I wasn't expecting it to work flawless. To my surprise it works totally without problems. Whenever the Windows PC is on, I see it appear in the Finder of the Mac. It gives me total freedom in working shifting files from one to the other.

5. Overall performance, it runs smooth and beautiful. I couldn't install Aperture from Apple because the Video board on the Mac is not sufficient for this program. But that is more the choice of having a cheaper Mac. Graphics are smooth and the operating system works totally instinctively and I did adept really fast to this new environment.  It works totally logic and I feel really more familiar and secure with the Mac OS interface.

Some extra's. I discovered that the in and outlet for audio contain also an optical connection. In the beginning I was really puzzled about it. I mean from my own conditioning I couldn't believe that it would contain different interfaces. This is true innovation. All that is needed is a optical fiber cable that you can buy at any audio store and a small special adapter. The sound is remarkable and it also puts surround and DTS when watching DVD. 

These are my first findings on working with the Mac. Over time I will probably find some flaws. One thing I discovered was that you can't use a microphone directly on the Mac. It's not something that is the first to notice, and in the beginning I thought that my Mac already was broken. But Google was very  helpful. It turned out that the mike needs it's own amplifier. So I found this nifty little device called iMic that amplifies thru USB. It has in and outlet for headphones and mike. Thus creating even an extra in and outlet and gives me freedom to use the optical port for my Aiwa computer speakers. Besides that the iMic can also be used to hook up your old recorplayer and turn those valuable records into mp3. Until now I am really enthusiastic. In the next weeks I plan to work on different websites and movies. I am curious how the overall performance will be. My creational fire started burning again. I keep you posted. 

Here the story about my journey to Taiwan will be told in different blogs. Kate will be my co-author. Enjoy the ride. For more info on this, see the former blog "Impressions of Taiwan"  

I am hooked!

One thing that I like to tell here, is the fact that I bought my first Apple computer, the Mac Mini. I took the bigger model with 2 Ghz and expanded the memory with 1 gb making it now 2 gb. I bought it in Taiwan because I found out that it's about 230 euro's cheaper then Europe. Furthermore Apple delivers it with an adapter that takes 110 - 240 volts, so only the wire I had to exchange back home. And it's really remarkabe. This is a small box with magic. It performs so good, it's beyond my expectations. I am really impressed and I feel my creative juices running again. I hooked up my Lacie drives and I can now exchange all the files from my PC. Even migrating iTunes was a small effort and so smooth that I am still jaw dropping. I will keep my PC as backup and garbage can for all the internet clutter. Sorry Bill, but that's how I see a Windows machine these days. For backing up the garbage.

Ok let's be fair, I still have some pretty games and other 3D design programms running. But that will be about it.

I've been playing (I can hardly call it work) now for 2 days and I still discover new things. Because I am used to Windows, I am a real digger when it comes to software, and boy, I found some pretty neat tools. I bought also an extra Lacie for the Time machine function, and making a second partition was not more effort then a blink of the eye. Yeah, yeah, I know I am drooling and over enthusiastic, but hey let me have my moment of glory ;-)

 

Of course I am aiming for the iMac 24 inch, but that's a matter of time and money. For now I can start enjoying working on my tiny lovely Mac. Thanks Steve, for being innovative, smart, thinking from the user point of view, and making the first step affordable. I don't mind if you make bigger bucks and are more expensive, though this last statement is just depending on how you look on things. I don't mind your "reality distortion field" capabilities, as long as you keep making these kind of innovative products, I will be a loyal customer. Apple RULEZ!

 

Impressions of Taiwan

Taiwan,travel,Asia,culture,long distance relation,food

Where do I start after this overwhelming and impressive short journey. I am actually pretty speechless. The moment I stepped out of the airport after a warm embrace and kiss with Kate, the adventure started. New sounds, scents, views and feelings started to trigger my senses and attracted me deeper into her world. I am amazed, flabbergasted, impressed, confused and happy. I want to write many things about this experience and I think it's pretty useless to do that in one article, so I will make an effort to publish my adventures in different articles, and also I would like to focus on different topics that came to my knowledge and really made me think about some cultural interesting differences. Things we could learn from, things that are worth thinking about, things that also triggers the critic in me and that I want to share. But above all, my adventures with Kate, and the growing love between us. The bridge we are building hence, the differences in age, culture and language. 

Because there is pretty much material I will publish it all on a new blog, and Kate will be my co-writer. We are still thinking of the name, but once it's ready I will put the link right here. So keep checking and within a few days you can join us in the ride.

With kind regards Pieter.

The unreliable collective memory

It's a strange thing and somtimes I think am I the only one who remembers? For example in the 70's there was this guy called Uri Geller. He was all over the television and people were almost glued to the tube when he would appear. He calls himself a mentalist, being able to manipulate matter with his brain. His most known act is the bending spoon performance. Of course this kind of psychic power would attract critics and it did finally. For instance the Stanford Research center did some scientific tests, but the protocol and conditions in which he had to perform were really questionable. The scientists taking part in this examanition therefore did a very sloppy job. In their report they left out even some critical statements. But one man wasn't that gullable and as a former magician became a professional critic to deal with all physic phenoma and other people claiming to have psychic powers. His name is James Randi. He just showed in several occasions how simple the bending spoon trick could be performed. It's just a matter of preparation. Alledgely Geller would bend the spoons before his performance untill they would almost crack. This is known as metal fatique. When bending a metal object frantically the metal structure heatens up and causes a weakness in the moleculair structure. At the end little strength is needed to bend the spoon and even crack it. In Johnny Carsons "The Late Night Show" in 1973, Geller was challenged to perform. Only in this case the tableware and other objects were not brought in by Geller. Of course Geller couldn't perform and was exposed. His pittyfull excuse was that he couln't perform under pressure. Soon after he dissapeard from TV and the public eye.

But to my suprise he showed up again with a new show, where he claims to retire soon and is looking for the next Uri Geller. So people are invited and challenged to reveal the same kind of psychic powers. The public and a panel will finally choose the winner who can hold the questionable title of the next Uri Geller. And here is the problem. Did people really forget all about the past? The audience is still as impressed as in the 70's. Even in this time with internet and all the technologic evolutions they let themselves be tricked with the same stupid performance from 30 years ago. It's even sad to see that his trick is still the same basic 3 ones. Reading peoples drawings by mind and reproduce them, bending spoons, and let broken watches again work. Nothing changed and he didn't come up with something new. And though he did some confessions in the past he was never really clear about that he was just a magician and a fraud regarding psychic powers.

I feel very alarmed about the collective memory we share. If a little fraud as Uri Geller can do this, what about the history of this world, and the people that have the power? The Bushes, the necons, the globalized companies and anyone who like to manipulate us? Uri Geller is a perfect example. If he can get away with this, what would stop any politician to get away with even worse tricks and manipulations?

Addiction

Who would ever thought, me spending money on music. But yes, I am hooked. So, so badly, that even Kate is talking about my new girlfriend. I am talking about the iPod Touch I purchased some weeks ago. Luckily I had some money for X-mas and second lucky stroke me when a guy wanted to sell his second hand, two months old iPod. The reason was that he won the Classic with 160 GB. He offered me the thing for half price and, after thinking it over (5 seconds), I agreed to myself that I was in for a treat. And oh boy, what was I excited to buy my first Apple product ever. When it comes to spending money on these things and my opinion about gadgets and computers I am a true critic. For example I've been a loyal PC user and therefore also Windows user.

My first experience started with Windows 3.1 back in 1993. I was so excited back then that I was able to scan in a 265 tones of grey picture with my handheld scanner into my PC. In 1994 I started my first steps in the WWW, and boy I've seen it all. All the developments all the changes. And despite my age I am a little boy when it comes to technology. Curiosity is my biggest drive. After all these years also dissapointmet took it's place. I have a hate relationship with my PC. It's actually not the PC that is bugging me it's the damn Windows. I don't even bother to ever purchase Vista. I have enough trouble to keep my XP clean and running. And I am not the all-time IT guru. But from my practical knowledge and use over the years I predict that Microsoft reached it's ceiling. There is only one way to change it, and that is to totally take a new direction. But that would mean no downgrading to older software anymore, that would mean they have to abandon their clients. That would be disaster.

Take Apple for instance, I am not always fond of their arrogancy, but boy, they make hot products. But it's not only the product it's also the way they think. They think so smart that it's even complicated for me as a windows user to get used to their simplicity. I've been setting up a Mac for a friend. I felt like in heaven to be able to do this. And guess what? I got so damn confused because it was so simple. I am so used to adjust, configure, install and do all things necessary to get it running. And now? Nothing at all. I only had to install Leopard. That's it. Of course a few things like name and address stuff. But that was basically it. I can go very deep into details but I think everybody get's the point. I have to admit I like to fool around in a system to tweak it. But I don't like to do that because I HAVE to, so that the damn thing works. Making a fresh install takes me mostly 2 nights with XP. Conclusion: you don't need to be caught and sitting in Guantánamo Bay to feel the torture of the U.S. Just bombard the terrorists with Vista and you are making the suffering so badly. They won't even find time to attack anybody anymore. Just burning a CD with an alledged movie of some attack would keep them pretty much busy.

Anyway, back to my iPod Touch. It is true magic. I dare to say it's the first product ever that gives me 100% statisfaction. And it's even more then that. It's almost magic to use it. The smoothnes of the grahpics on the small screen are truly not comparable with any other handheld device. For my job I use a Nokia e62. That thing looks like a dinosaur in speed and possibilities compared to the iPod, and then I only compare the other features then calling. I was very fond of it in the beginning, but for now it's enough that it can call. And yes, I bought even a giftcard to purchase the latest software and some music from the iTunes store. And it gave me even more statisfaction. I am walking around in my house, doing cooking and some cleaning. When I lay down on the couch, I won't open the TV but I open the youtube on my iPod. I can take it anywhere around in my house and enjoy music and video.

Bottomline is that I think this is a true revolution in how phones and other devices should work. I can only imagine taking this kind of interface into a car. I own the new Ford Mondeo with touch screen for GPS, radio, CD etc. And it is sometimes really lacking in speed. In the morning my GPS can't even start without a proper warming up of the car. When I just take a look at Google Maps on my iPod then I am impressed. What to think about those small GPS devices? Anyway, most important what is also not to forget, it's the big fun factor that I see. Shouldn't using phones and other serious stuff not be more intuïtive in using and finally also be fun?

Kerst het meest treurige feest.

Ik heb het nooit zo goed begrepen, maar voor mij was Kerst altijd een diep treurig feest. Niet altijd, niet toen ik nog een kleine jongen was en niets van grote-mensen-dingen afwist. Niet toen mijn opa nog leefde en met vredig lieve dominantie de emoties van de familieleden in toom wist te houden. Alleen al zijn aanwezigheid daarvoor was genoeg. Kerst is het feest dat ik meer dan 10 jaar listig wist te vermijden.

Mijn oma is een mensje van de dag geworden en alleen voor haar ga ik de kwelling met open vizier aan. Dit jaar zouden we wat vroeger van start gaan dus ik had gezegd om een uur of 5 s'avonds te arriveren. Thuis was ik mezelf verbluffend aan het tegenwerken en aan het treuzelkonten. Op de bijna verlaten snelweg ging mijn voiture ook al niet harder dan 120. Ik weet het, op het onbewuste niveau wilde ik het liefst thuisblijven, alleen met mijn katten en een steen op mijn hart. Maar ik had de moed niet. Een anderhalve uur later en een half uur te laat, druk ik de deurbel en na wat gestommel doet mijn moeder open. "aan de deur wordt niet gekocht" is haar opmerking. Nieuw is haar grap niet en nog minder leuk. Mijn moeder noemt dat humor, ik noem dat bitterheid. Ik kom binnen met de kadootjes onder de arm en zie tot mijn verbazing dat iedereen al aan het uitbuiken is. "je zou toch om vijf uur hier zijn" klinkt het verontschuldigend. Ik mompel nog iets van een mobiele telefoon en waarom men dan niet even belt en snel langs de volle tafel de serre in om mijn jas af te leggen. Bij mezelf vraag ik me af hoe het mogelijk is dat je om 5 uur afspreekt en dat er meteen ook om 5 uur gegeten moet worden. Ik begin met het begroeten van de nieuw vrijer van mijn zusje. Nerveus lacht hij me toe. Voor hem ben ik de messias die hem uit het spervuur van "humor" van mijn moeder houdt. Ik knuffel mijn oma geef mijn moeder een vluchtige kus en negeer haar vriend. Schijnbaar heeft hij instructies gekregen en pakt meteen zijn spullen om te vertrekken. Ik schuif aan en krijg meteen een vol bord eten. Mijn moeder begint meteen met een paar grappen over "Wim" de nieuwe vrijer van mijn zus. Hij draait ongemakkelijk op zijn stoel. Ik knipoog naar hem en maak een paar snedige opmerkingen richting mijn moeder. Zo de toon is gezet. Ik weet hoe ze normaal als een locomotief met haar cynisme iemand neerwalst, en ik kan me alleen maar voorstellen wat hij heeft moeten doormaken de afgelopen maanden.

Na het eten wordt mijn neefje wakker en springt als een bezetene op me, hij geeft me een warme knuffel waar ik helemaal van smelt. Ik fluister hem in zijn oortje dat zijn oom een paar heel mooie kadootjes heeft meegebracht. We zitten inmiddels met zijn allen in de woonkamer. De TV aan (gelukkig). Ik heb een hekel aan TV maar alleen op Kerstavond is het een bondgenoot. Ik schakel in mijn selectieve doofheidsmodus en staar onbewogen naar de bewegende beelden. Ondertussen begint mijn moeder alle verhalen uit het verleden op te rakelen. De nieuwe vrijer van mijn zus is de pineut. Onzeker en verlegen als hij is, is hij een gemakkelijk slachtoffer. Hij zit ook in een ongemakkelijke positie aangezien hij de TV niet kan zien. Hij kan alleen maar in de richting van mijn moeder kijken en daarmee is zijn lot bezegelt. Ik wist dit van te voren en koos zorgvuldig mijn plek uit. Ik besef ineens dat het de plek van mijn opa is en gniffel van binnen. Ik herinner mij ineens dat hij ook altijd voor "doof" speelde. De avond gaat snel voorbij dankzij de inhoudsloze tv-programma's met hoog entertainmentsgehalte. Het is tijd voor mijn zus om te gaan. Ik neem snel afscheid van mijn neefje en ze zijn weg. Ik sip een beetje aan de punch. Ik zit nu alleen met mijn omaatje en mijn moeder. Ai het is moelijk om haar nu nog te negeren. Ze praat nog over ditjes en datjes en zegt ineens: "Ik wil jou andere zus onterven". Ik schrik op. Ze noemt nooit haar naam. Ik had veel verwacht maar niet zo'n onderwerp op Kerstavond. Ik weet even een moment niet wat te zeggen. Ik begin over verdraagzaamheid en over stappen die haast omonkeerbaar lijken, over misverstanden en wijsheid en er nog eens goed over na te denken. Ik zie het gezicht van mijn moeder verharden. Ze begint over haar pijn over haar leven en haar eeuwige slachtofferrol. Ik sta op en ga naar het toilet. Even rust, even een vlucht. Ik kom terug en zeg hardop, "het is al laat en ik moet nog een eindje sturen". Ik pak mijn jas en geef mijn oma nog een warme knuffel. Al die tijd heeft ze stil gezeten en weinig gezegd. Ze wisselde af en toe een lieve lach naar me uit. Sinds mijn opa in haar armen stierf zit ze in een soort van emotionele dementie. Ik voel een traan opkomen. Gehaast pak ik mijn tas en geef mijn moeder gauw een kus. Ik draai de straat uit met Brian Ferry op de achtegrond, slave to love....

empty

I stare at the empty screen. My heart feels like there is a rock resting on it. I try to understand the situation. Why things escalate. I have many why's. I have no answers. I had the trust that things are ok. That I don't have to worry about this special relation I feel. But I guess that I am to much of a dreamer. And didn't see the dark clouds gathering. I thought we have the ultimate relation. That we are so much alike that not much needed to be said to understand. But also in this I was wrong. I wanted to believe to much it is like I thought it is. But the truth hurts. I guess I created my own reality. There is so much love running thru my vains. But the love is not received, not recognized. Maybe it's to hard on this distance, maybe it's impossible. I thought our love would cross this distance and make us strong for the difficulte times we would face. Now I feel like a small baby. There is no one to cover me. No one to hold me. I am alone like I was before. I just wanted to live an breath. Not wait untill the certain day. I wanted to explore and experience and share my adventures with my love. To give content to our conversations, exchanging our stories so that we are able to let the fire keep on burning. Now I am afraid the fired died. Not in me. I will always love her. But I guess for somebody else this is just hollow words. I am not capable to put in words what I feel. I am not capable coz it's words where I would wish to make her feel, by touch, kiss, embracing and making love. But all this is impossible for now. I feel cold, emtpy and vulnerable. I feel once more thrown in a black pit. I am not sure if I can get out on own strength. I guess I have no other option. I lost my trust that love is possible in this world. I only had my share of impossibilities.......

België

Hier ben ik komen wonen, omdat ik Nederland niet meer kon uitstaan. De haat werd groter dan de liefde. Het is nooit mijn land geweest doordat het altijd vreemd voor me was. Dit door de mix van Indisch, Nederlands, Noord-Holland en Limburgs bloed. Ik was vlees nog vis voor de anderen. Ik ondervond al op jonge leeftijd de "tolerante" houding van Nederlanders t.a.v. Nederlanders met een gemengde afkomst. Het maakte mij ontheemd maar het maakt ook een wereldburger van me. En op een dag was de maat vol. De schijnheiligheid en te foute tolerantie, ik vertrok naar een land dat vooral niet schijnheilig is en vooral niet tolerant. Het Goede doel had mijn geïnspireerd. Hier als vreemdeling tussen vreemdelingen voel ik mij thuis. Misschien soms geïsoleerd, maar er zijn andere wegen om dat isolement niet te voelen. Voor mij is dat vooral fotografie. Maar nu, politieke crisis in België. Walen kunnen niet meer met de Vlamingen maar misschien nog meer dat de Vlamingen niet meer met de Walen kunnen. Althans dat is wat de politici en sommige populisten ons willen laten geloven. De gewone Vlaming wil nog steeds een heerlijke petite Jambonneau eten in de Ardennen, en de Waal wil ook graag een dagje verdwalen in Antwerpen. Maar wat nu. Er wordt al geroepen om de Vlamingen aan te laten sluiten met Nederland. En dat is het punt. Dat is mijn grootste angst. Het schrikt mij af. Ik begin al naarstig te zoeken op internet bij makelaars naar vervallen boerderijtjes in de Arndennen. Mijn koffers staan al bijna gepakt. Het schrikbeeld spookt door mijn hoofd die schijnheilige kop van Balkenende te moeten aanschouwen als mijn nieuwe premier, Wilders met zijn knettergek geraas in de 2de kamer. Rita Verdonk met haar zieke beeldspraak over de "gewone" nederlander en haar "duidelijke" taal. Nee ik wil liever Leterme die het volkslied niet kent. De stoethaspels en de loosers in de Belgische politiek. Laat mij alsjeblieft hier zijn, rustig ver weg van het gekonkel van Nederland. Ik voel me juist zo goed in deze geordende chaos. Deze Nederlander zegt: Laat België alsjeblieft voortbestaan........

Overgave!

Ik was 14 toen ik een stukje las. Het was een vodje papier met gekopieerde tekst. Ik weet niet meer waar het vandaan kwam en hoe het in mijn bezit was gekomen. Maar ik weet nog hoe ik het rode wangetjes las. Het was een korte beschrijving van het verhaal van O, oftewel Histoire d'O. Het fascineerde mij. Waarom het dat toen deed weet ik niet, maar ik was er nieuwsgierig naar, bijna obsessief. Het verhaal prikkelde mijn diepste fantasiën. Het heeft mij nooit meer losgelaten.

Vandaag, ik was voor zaken in Brussel. Voor de lunch liet ik mijzelf verleiden even een passend koffietentje te vinden. Arcadi op de hoek van de Arenbergstraat en de Koningsgalerij. Une Tarte citron de merengue met een petite espresso. Na de lunch liep ik de Koningsgalerij in. Ik slenterde wat rond en hield op een gegeven moment halt voor een DVD/DC winkel. Wat mij opviel was de hoeveelheid aan Film Noir die de etalage sierden. Als een magneet werd ik naar binnen getrokken. Ik zocht eigenlijk de film Angel-A van Luc Besson die om onduidelijke redenen nooit in België of Nederland in de bioscoop is verschenen. Ik blijf als versteend staan bij een aantal DVD hoezen van Fellini. Daar stond hij dan de lang gezochte en vaak vergeten obsessie. Histoire d'O. Ik pak snel de verpakking en haast me naar de kassa. Ik bedacht me dat ik ook nog die andere film zocht. "Je cherchez un film de Luc Besson, Angel-A" vraag ik aan de verkoper. "Oui, au premier étage". Ik loop naar boven en vind al snel de film. Hij is ook nog afgeprijst wat een geluk.

Thuisgekomen speel ik met de dvd hoes in mijn handen. Zal ik gaan kijken. Zal ik teleurgesteld zijn? Ik besluit om de film op te zetten. Ik gooi alle verwachtingen overboord. Tenslotte is het een film uit 1975. Gekluisterd zit ik aan mijn scherm. Het beeld doet pijn aan mijn ogen van de hoeveelheid softfocus. De muziek is net zo vaag als bij Emanuelle. En de hoeveelheid erotiek verbleekt bij het sexuele geweld van heden ten dage. Eigenlijk is het een slap verhaal, wat alleen in die tijd een schokgolf teweeg bracht. Maar toch.

Het is het onderliggende gevoel wat mij raakt. En ineens besef ik waar het om gaat. Ik heb altijd een buitengewoon grote interesse gehad in het spel van dominantie en onderwerping. Vanuit dezelfde interesse observeerde ik ook BDSM. Het kon mij echter nooit helemaal bekoren. Ik begreep de mensen die het toepassen niet, ik begreep hun motivatie niet. Het bleef altijd bij iets van vernedering, overheersing, onderwerping, iets fysieks iets pijnlijks.

Deze film echter toonde me de ware aard achter al dit al, en ineens besefte ik dat al die mensen die met BDSM bezig zijn de plank volledig misslaan. Het gaat niet om onderwerping het gaat om overgave. De ultieme liefde voelen voor iemand en jezelf daarin volledig overgeven. En dat is meteen waar het in onze maatschappij aan ontbreekt. Overgave! We zitten vol verwachtingen, we hebben onze lijstjes klaar. We hebben zoveel teleurstellingen meegemaakt en stellen onze volgende ex alweer danig op de proef. Zij/hij krijgt te maken met alles wat haar/zijn voorgang(st)er heeft misdaan. We leven met angsten, we laten niet los. We willen vooral niet kwetsbaar zijn. Het internet is daarbij het ultieme middel geworden om al zappend van contact naar contact te springen. 1 verkeerd woord en met een druk op de knop geblokeerd, gewist of genegeerd, net zoals hier op Happy. We consumeren het contact met anderen zoals we mcnuggets consumeren.

Maar wat is nu de wezenlijk essentie van de Liefde? Zelfs de universele liefde? De essentie is de kracht om jezelf eraan over te geven. Je over te geven aan die persoon. Willoos en kwetsbaar, in een staat van je mag doen met me wat je wilt. Ik heb altijd de vrijheid om te gaan. Maar ik ben van jou en zolang ik daar voor kies mag je dat met mij doen. In het geval van "Histoire d'O" is het vooral ook iets fysieks en sexueels, het gaat om de ultieme liefde en daarvoor alles te doorstaan.

Ik geloof dat alleen door deze overgave we onszelf kunnen genezen en de weg naar onszelf hervinden. Ik geloof dat de overgave aan de liefde van iemand we ons ook overgeven aan het leven en het leven weer te voelen zoals het bedoeld is.