Silence

I am here, in Berlin. I can't help it, the silence is deafening.....

Goodbye?

It hurts. She told me today she doesn't love me anymore. She said: "you are my soulmate, you are like family, I care for you". But she doesn't love me anymore, not the way it should normally be between a couple. We cried, we talked, we tried to grasp the feeling. She asked me to lay down in bed with my macbook. The ritual of laying in bed and chatting. I am so afraid of loosing the chat. That it could be the last image ever of her. I feel complicated by this ordeal. Why is it that women think I am the greatest guy, passionate, lovely, caring, a good cook, adventurous, creative, smart, humorous, romantic etc. But they seem always to look for something else. The superficials, the mean types, the muscles, the macho's. All the guys that seem to like to think of a woman as a chick, and only see them as a body and not a person. I wish I could be just like those assholes. But I can't. I know after this breakup I won't be in favor of a relation anymore. I can't do it anymore. Investing myself again, being accepted again, going thru the whole thing of building, investing and compromising. 

I feel sleepy, but I am afraid to fall asleep. She has her eyes closed, lays on her bed with her angel like face. I look at her. Tears in my eyes. They already hurt so much from the pain and the cries the last hours. Before she laid down, she put on some music. Music that I played in the past for her. I feel you, les Djins, Coldpay, more songs. She dances in her red panty in front of the cam. Her typical dance, that is so her. It makes me always laugh and happy. Not this time. Now I can only think what I loose, how to proceed without her. Some say that no woman is worth the pain, but I can't help it. It's how I feel, I love her, every fiber of her. The little mole on her left ear. The 4 dimples when she laughs out loud. The strange birthmark on her back above her buttocks. The shape of her long fingers that so gracefully play the guitar. Her hairless armpits that I am always so obsessed with. The bridge of her nose, that I like to call my spot. Her beautiful full lips that can make so much noise when she is eating satisfied one of my dishes. Her legs, ah those legs. And my fascination for her pubic hair. So many things about her body that I know in detail. 

She turns on the bed and some mumbling noise escapes from her mouth. It looks like she looks at me, but I don't see her really reacting to my staring. I lay down a bit more. My burning eyes frozen on the screen. I dose of a bit. Sometimes I scare awake, still checking for the image. If the chat is still open. Then suddenly it happens, the chat screen freezes. The last image of her on my desktop. Will I ever see her again......

Addictions and Sorrows

It is 4 in the morning, another night of extensively exhausting myself. I've turned around day and night. I guess it is sort of depression. It is fleeing from reality.

It's been a long time. I didn't write anymore. I always felt comfortable with it, until I started to have problems with people fighting me. About my thoughts, my feelings, the things I wrote. I gave up and it was painful. I gave up on sharing with who ever was interested. I locked myself away, and I didn't want to share anything anymore. It costs me friendships. People didn't understand or don't understand me. The fact that they walk away hurts even more and makes me feel that it was the right thing to do, to isolate myself. But it is enough, I've to live again. I am hiding in my house, not facing the ordeal that is coming in my direction. I am only working on my iMac. creating things, for no purpose and for purpose. But no interaction with others, only with one. The one that is the most close to me and yet so far away. It is a painful reality to live in. I miss the physical contact with people. Just people that would hug me, just give me a feeling of being. Living in Belgium is in that case the worst decision I ever made. I can't stand the sometimes anymore. They are not straight forward, not loyal, and I never know what they think. I see it through this whole society. Sometimes I think that this country is really doomed. Failed politics, power struggle, divided by language, hating each other and total crisis. One third of flemish Belgians are public servants, not paying social security. That is for the rest to pay. 3 governments because of this stupid federal idea. The most costly overhead in any country of Europe. I just want to get out of here. I feel attracted to Berlin, but how do I get rid of all the ties here, and the stuff I own. Within a month my job ends, and I don't know what will be next. I have to get my act together and start doing useful things. But there is not much help around here. But maybe with writing again, I find also something I lost, a big deal of myself.

Great Obama video

Obama '08 - Vote For Hope from MC Yogi on Vimeo.

Reverse Graffiti

Alexandre Orion a reverse graffiti environmental activist.

A few years ago he adorned a transport tunnel in Sao Paolo with a mural consisting of a series of skulls to remind drivers of the detrimental impact their emissions have on the planet. The Brazilian authorities were incensed but couldn't actually charge him with anything so they instead cleaned the tunnel. At first they cleaned only the parts Alexandre had cleared but after the artist switched to the opposite wall they had to clean that too. In the end, the authorities decided to wash every tunnel in the city.

Doel, a dying village

Doel, that's the name. A small village near Antwerpen. A village that is dying after legislators almost 30 years ago decided that the harbor had to expand and the village had to make place. Nowadays the village is crammed between a nuclear plant and the piled up containers of Antwerpen harbor, only a few houses are still occupied. But soon also these last families that resist to leave will be forced out. The first houses went already down. I paid Doel a visit on one evening, to witness how a dying village looks like. The earie and strange sensation that I felt I put in my pictures. It's a great experience and one of a kind. Here are some examples.......

It's stange to see what people leave behind, like cars and kids toys.

Gaz used to be 92 eurocents and Diesel 70 (prices still in Belgian Franks)

The last household shop, run by an old lady. Quite messy place.

sport